My heart races with doubt when
silence becomes deafening and excuses are made and hours go between text
messages. But this is who I am and I’m unsure if I’m suppose to apologize for
that but I’m also unsure if you understand my need to be reassured that this is
what you want, if it’s me that you want, if you’ll understand you’re what I
want despite the accident mixed signals of my caution and confusion. Please
understand that in these moments words fall in desperation to make sense of
what my beating heart cries. I’ve been too accustomed to the change of pace
indicating that I’m not someone wanted and desired and missed. I like to hear
that I’m thought about because you’re the one constantly on my mind, my heart
jumps at the sound of a next text message and I pray it’s you saying hello. I
want to already hand over the key and welcome you into the parts of myself
rarely visited by anyone else and I want to see you in that same light. I’ve
resisted in telling my girlfriends that you’ve walked into my life because I’m
afraid that as soon as I find the courage you’ll turn around and walk away. I’m
terrified to ask for promises without knowing you can keep them unbroken and
untarnished. It takes all my energy to calm this racing heart. It takes all my
energy to calm the fear that I’m too much and not enough for the man I see
inside you. I am sorry that it’s hard for me to relax in this uncertainty.
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